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Those are the directions to Never Never Land, a Utopian (a land of peace) kind of place where one might never have to grow up. If only, if only. I am looking for the real-life directions to Never Never Land. Possibly….. there is not such a place. Perhaps…. there is simply no such thing. Maybe…. I am wishing on a star that is much too high for myself. As much as one could flaunt her presidency of the Fake ID Club, she could also be, in a reverse analytical, but charming and demure way, saying to anyone- "I'm actually sixteen." Of course, they ask silly, seemingly complete insignificances such as- "Why are you in such a hurry to grow up?" and piddly casualties such as that. Truthfully, Miss Independent would like to let someone else be the independent for one day. (Just one, mind you) The girl is a mere victim of that unrelenting demon called Self. Truthfully, as much as I or anyone else secretly searching for Never Never Land can teeter on 5 inch stilettos, and deny any implementation of ever once shopping at Limited Too, deep down below where my heart beats is a small un-claimed Self saying "I had to grow up fast" and my most careless decisions are made by the little Self that never got to finish growing up. The Peter Pan in me will always dwell on that one night in October 2002, not the night that I grew up in 7 minutes, but the night before it -when I was still a child in my own eyes. You can throw your Cabbage Patch dolls out the window, you can drink the fizzy concoction of your choice, you can smoke all the cigarettes your lungs can take, you can jump in a tanning bed twice a day, you can drive faster than Jeff Gordon, you can make your coffee stronger, you can pull your skirts a little higher, and you can wear your heels a little taller. But if you grew up before little Self was ready, the new grown up Self will never let you forget it. In the grown up world, whether or not you made the choice to be in it, you have to deal with grown up problems. I look for Never Never Land not to go back to 12 years old, but to freeze my sixteen candles right now so I can catch up to the Self that I should be. I long for things to be black and white again. Life has been grey for far too long. At this pretty little point in my life, I am discovering myself as an individual. I am learning that I see the world in a different way than others. I've learned that being pulled from being a child before I could so much as scream NO has been a rung in the ladder that has taken me to the place I am today, and will continue to take me all the way to the top of the world - someday. Sometimes I get lost on my journey from little Self's world into grown up Self's world and I do things that neither one of them would understand. Because I am not a child anymore, but I'm only an adult impersonator on Saturday nights. xxx
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whooajenny's journal
